He’s my Husband

I live with him about 2-3 years now, but when I close to him, I never feel like he’s my husband, I dont even feel like he closed to me. Maybe because I dont want to feel he’s belongs to me, I just pretend that he’s God creature which I never feel like own it.

I always keep an eye on him when he’s sleeping beside me, sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I feel like he’s my baby but I never feel that he’s my husband.

Honestly, I keep tell myself that he’s my Husband, but my heart keep saying, “No, he’s not! He will never love you the way you love him” I dont know what’s wrong with me but that keep happen everyday for the 2-3 years now. I dont know why!?

But guess what?!!!

I got pregnant 9 months ago, I feel like I just want to be close to him, if he doesnt here, I feel like empty and blank! But I still dont feel that he’s my Husband, I just pretend that he’s someone close to me.

Until my labor, my water broke at 5 AM and it starts feeling like he’s the one and he’s my Husband, I keep yelled at him, I panicked I dont know what to do, I keep praying but also crying all the time until arrived at RB Asih, Hospital.

At the hospital, I got to IGD and the nurse said, I cant go anywhere, I cant get up from the bed until it’s time. And that’s the time I looked so deep to him, I said I just want the operation, I feel so pain, my back feels like on fire and it’s hurt so bad… I just want to hug him, I dont want to let him go even if just a minute.

He follow to the Labor room with me, I dont want to let go his arm, I keep say to him, it hurts, I feel like I’m going to die… But the process is so fast, until I can hear the baby scream… He also crying and kiss me say “Thank you” to me, I just want to freeze that moment, it makes me so sad, and yes, that’s the first time I feel he’s my Husband!

2 Weeks after the baby arrived, I feel baby blue just want to crying all the time and back to memories… The time when I can feel he’s my Husband, not just the man who close to me or living with me. I keep hug him all day, from the morning till night. And also I feel like very missing my first daughter, I feel guilty with her cause I kinda busy with the new baby. That’s really sad moment 😭😭😭

Author: Nada Taufik

Filmmaker, Photographer, Creative Designer, Traveler, Rocker.

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